Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

when a toddler tells a story

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious