Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Ferrari squats

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.