ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

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Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.


Me: I found a job!

Mom: That’s great! What is it?

Me: debt collection!




Me: I think you know why I’m calling.


There are days that god should just reach down and snatch my phone out of my hands for the good of everyone.


Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.


SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy


My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.


Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.


Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.


Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.