ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

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She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.


N: Why are you picking up rocks?

M: I’m starting a rock band.

Neighbor walks away.

That is how you get people to leave you alone.


Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave


Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.

Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.


There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl


There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:


I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.


Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.


I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.


My friend got dumped last night and this morning we had a group facetime call where everyone shared how much we hated him and it was about two hours of going through what garbage this man is. At one point I said NASA is still looking for his hairline
And now they’re back together