@Brampersandon_

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

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@AtCouchyB

Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.

@ShortWhiteNUgly

Me: I found a job!

Mom: That’s great! What is it?

Me: debt collection!

Mom:….

Me…..

Mom:…

Me: I think you know why I’m calling.

@elunatyk

There are days that god should just reach down and snatch my phone out of my hands for the good of everyone.

@primawesome

Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.

@BuckyIsotope

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

@sophielou

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

@NewDadNotes

Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.

@AngelaEhh

Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.

@DzNutz83

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.