@AtCouchyB
Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?
Boss: You mist the boat.
@Brampersandon_
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
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@AtCouchyB
@ShortWhiteNUgly
Me: I found a job!
Mom: That’s great! What is it?
Me: debt collection!
Mom:….
Me…..
Mom:…
Me: I think you know why I’m calling.
@elunatyk
There are days that god should just reach down and snatch my phone out of my hands for the good of everyone.
@primawesome
Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
@BuckyIsotope
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
@sophielou
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
@NewDadNotes
Me: what are you doing?
Daughter: playing with Michael.
Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.
Daughter: I know.
Me: how did you know?
Daughter: Michael told me.
@AngelaEhh
Paint thinner? Bullshit.
Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.
@AndyJokedAgain
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
@DzNutz83
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.