ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
You Might Also Like
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
you have three unread messages
where the womens at?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay