My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
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My dad annoyed my mom calling her “Mother of 7” until the day she called him “Father of 4”.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.
Me: oh yeah?
Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?
Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
An odd boast
A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore
Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.