Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Simple enough.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.