Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

He wanted to make sure😂

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no