Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Nothing to do, you say?

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u