Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me