Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*