@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

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@TheFunnyWorId

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@rudy_mustang

every night, for a year straight, this guy has dm’d me what he’s having for dinner. every night. for an entire year

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@RobinMcCauley

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@skittle624

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

@Dawn_M_

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.