Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Lmao the reply
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down