I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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every night, for a year straight, this guy has dm’d me what he’s having for dinner. every night. for an entire year
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.