Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Huge, if true.
