Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Thursday
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully