Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

Story of my life…..

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

asked my bf how work was today

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt