Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Nothing.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours