Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!