Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.