Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

This could be us… but you playing

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this