Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

My spirit animal is fried chicken

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

🤣🤣

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.