me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
spot the difference
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.