me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.