me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
At least he brought enough for everyone
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things