me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
You Might Also Like
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.