me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Weirdly Wednesday.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
There’s always that one guy
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”