Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right