Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

#Caturday

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count