me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
So, can we agree on 4 or
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
😲 WTF? 😆
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar