me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

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5yo: Mommy if I help pull weeds will you pay me a million dollars?
Me: No
5yo: How about 6 dollars
Me: Sure!

I got hustled.


Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea


The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.


A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.


People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.


WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*


Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.


[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this


wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?


I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”