me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
welcome back
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this