@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that

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@nerdreign

Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.

@MattTheBrand

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

@Megatronic13

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

@Lufty

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

@peachesanscream

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

@Rhythms_n_Booze

I remember this one time I ran out of gas.

It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone.

I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.

@WeissBrandon

YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!

~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.

@mindflakes

People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is