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@T_Bonezzz_: Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that
@Cait_Plus_Eight: I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
@internetluke: [Joseph checking in to hotel]
"Is there WiFi?"
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
"Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable"
@osoplain: I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
@jimmytorosian: *phone rings*
Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!"
Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you."
@eddiesteadyno: The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn't bargain on "bankrupt" being an option.