sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
How do you milk an almond?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times