Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that

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Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.


future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more


Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.


*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number


Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight


My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled


Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.


I remember this one time I ran out of gas.

It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone.

I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.



~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.


People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is