Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
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*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
peeping toms
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter