Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
You Might Also Like
Hey i am sexy to you now
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
bury ourselves
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
this is literally a CIA plant
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though