Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
That de-escalated quickly
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Guilty! 🤪
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
