Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off