ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
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GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.