ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.