Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

It has been 3 years since Monday.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

Voting for coroner