Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

I love you…

…r dog.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.