Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
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“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
boat question
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I don’t hate children, just yours.