Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Harsh but fair
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there