Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
🔥🔥
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely