Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
At least he brought enough for everyone
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
