Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
ah yes….my favourite videogame
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
