Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.