Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Spell check is for lasers.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

much to think about

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

on da cob, we all corn

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Me as a therapist: omg same