me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
You Might Also Like
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
You are not alone 💚
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends