Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huge, if true.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

Saw your ex at the shops

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

accurate

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.