Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
No, YOUR illiterate.
