Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
There are usually two types of merchants.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
