Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Does this dress make me look cat?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.