Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.