Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

i hope my email finds you on fire

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.