Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children