Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
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Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Google assistant rules
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Church Pugh’s
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over