Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Love is in the air fryer.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

well this is just bullshirt

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports