Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
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Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan