Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive