ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My dream car is a taco truck.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
A game married people play.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!