ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.