Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
i want it utterly assaulted.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*gets down on one knee*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Saturday
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.