Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.