Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
You Might Also Like
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
who called it hell and not heaven’t