ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
💀 😭
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet