ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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rebranding
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My teenage children choosing violence
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea