ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me :
All Day At Night
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She