ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW


Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”


Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.


If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.


ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired


1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.


A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁


Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.


youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?