Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

the greatest twitter interaction

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.