Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

the Monday after daylight savings

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls