Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
early stone age tool
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon