Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.![]()
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Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*