Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

No chill.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.