Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*