ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
this has to be peak English
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?