Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

whatcha thinkin bout

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

Duolingo getting serious.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.