me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Ken is short for chicken
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”