me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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WHO DID THIS?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
