me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
next question.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”